The Tabloid News Edition 17
'The Tabloid News ' Sir Pickles : Editor-In-Chief 'FROM THE EDITOR ' Greetings, one and all. It’s been a long time since the Tabloids last hit the streets. But, here it is again, with great stories for one and all. In here, you’ll find the honest truth about many of the issues that have been plaguing our cities. We will tell you truth about the transportation strike, and we will even give you the most recent developments on the famous in our town. So without further ado, on with the news! 'CIRCUS PICKLES HITS THE STREETS ' The circus has rolled into town, brought to you by the Tabloid News, and it seems to be a hit with everyone. But, what darker secrets lie beneath the glossy exterior of the flashing lights, the organ music, and the smiling clowns? We at The Tabloid News have discovered that ringmaster Sir Pickles does not pay his circus folk a decent wage. The bearded man can not afford a razor to shave, and the stripeless zebra is forced to eat generic oats! Confidential sources have told us that some of his employees are illegal Canadian immigrants from Nova Scotia. He pays them in Monopoly money because they do not know any better. Sir Pickles was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy proofreading this story for spelng erorrs. 'TRUTH ABOUT TRANSPORTATION STRIKE ' The massive inconvenience in public transit, brought by the International Brotherhood of Engineers and Pilots (Local 409) has created many problems for many people. Fathers cannot be reunited with children. Husbands are separated from wives. Single women are separated from Sir Pickles. We, at The Tabloid News has discovered the real truth. The issue is not with wages, working conditions, or anything of that nature. The true reason the IBEP called the strike is because the engineers and pilots have all disappeared. The union wishes to avoid the embarrassment of admitting that the former drivers and flyers have been abducted by aliens from the planet Pedestrian. Apparently, the aliens were tired of walking every where and abducted the IBEP members to run their transit system. There is no word yet as to how the aliens have mastered interstellar travel, but no train system. In fact, we at The Tabloid News are not entirely sure our reporter is sober, or otherwise altered. 'AFTER LAST STORY, TABLOID NEWS INSTITUTES RANDOM DRUG TESTING ' Sir Pickles, Editor-In-Chief of The Tabloid News has instituted a “no tolerance” policy for drug use in his offices. This is just the first in many steps to be taken to insure the proper and truthful journalism you have come to know and expect from this paper. Who knows what drugs Mr. Valentine forces his reporters to use to keep working for him. 'MOUSTACHIO LOSES MOUSTACHE IN WRESTLING WAGER ' Famed New York honcho, Moustachio recently made a wager with multi-millionaire Howard Hughes over a wrestling match. Moustachio backed champion wrester, Killer Konway, the Irish wrestling sensation, to beat Handsome Harry, the challenger from Dubuque, Iowa, back by Hughes. The wager was if Hughes’ man won, Moustachio would shave. If Moustachio’s man won, Hughes would have to clip his fingernails. Handsome Harry beat Killer Konway in the third round with a pile drive. Moustachio was forced to shave his moustache on live radio. Rumour is that he will have to change his name to “Upper Lip.” Moustachio / Upper Lip vows to grow a bigger, better, and bushier moustache within the month. 'ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN ' Dear Red, I don’t like being stuck in the same city. How can I entertain myself? Cap Dear Cap, Take a long walk . . . specifically a long walk off a short pier. Red Dear Red, People make fun of me all the time. Why is that? Miguel Dear Miggy, You deserve it. Red 'MILLIONS OF IRISH FOUND DRUNK ON ST. PATRICK’S DAY ' Really, the headline says it all. There is not much more of a story here.